Abbey House | 6:30 PM | First Day

In several schools of classical philosophy, there's a concept called ataraxia, roughly meaning the internal serenity that comes from comprehending the true nature of the world, and living in accord with it rather than conflict. What exactly the 'nature of the world' is depends on who's answering the question, but the unifying thread across all schools of thought is that if people could just get their shit together, embrace the one obviously true answer, and reorient their entire value system around it, then they'd be able to attain this state of peace... At which point all of their emotional problems and dissatisfaction with life would presumably disappear in a puff of smoke. Or something like that?

I'm not really into philosophy, honestly.

That said, a distinct memory I had from when I was about 8 years old was of a pretentious conversation where my grandfather discussed the concept with Linos, who always was a philosophy person, and saying the idea was foolish because it is, by definition, a kind of self-delusion.

After all, the world is fundamentally an awful and confusing place, where terrible things happen to virtuous people for no reason at all. If higher consciousness is to be considered primarily a mechanism for the body to assess its material circumstances, then surely tarache, the absence of ataraxia - meaning anxiety, perturbedness, and disquiet - is the state that better represents comprehending reality. Feeling bad is your mind communicating to you that something is wrong, and that real enlightenment is the ability to identify problems and do something about them, not to bury your head in the sand with navel-gazing.

With hindsight, the whole thing was probably some weird proxy for talking about 'deathism', as Kam would describe it; that you should try not to internalize the chaotic and painful parts of the universe, but rather rail against them. ...frankly, it was an outlook I couldn't help but see as a little privileged. After all, most people don't have the luxury of changing their own circumstances, let alone the world.

Right now, though, that reasoning was coming to mind. Something felt dissonant, even though I couldn't draw a conclusion as to what it was that wasn't obviously insane. Every rational impulse in me was telling me to suppress this feeling, that it was meaningless anxiety, and that I ought to focus on something else.

But somehow, that felt like a deeply bad idea. That there was something very important that I needed to know that I... didn't.

Deja vu. The feeling was unmistakable. Everything about what had happened so far felt strangely, yet indistinctly, familiar. I felt like I'd seen this room before. Heard Linos's explanation of where the sanctuary was before. I felt like flavor of what we were going to eat tonight was dancing, nameless, on the tip of my tongue, and the more I 'relaxed', the more this sensation became viscerally distinct.

What the hell was happening? I tried to just stop thinking about it. When that didn't work, I switched to asking myself the question I always did, whenever I felt confused or powerless.

What do I know, without any doubt?

I knew that I was in the order's sanctuary, in their guesthouse. I knew I was with all my classmates. I knew that it was about 6 o'clock in the middle of spring in the 1409th year since the Covenant had been sworn by the six Parties. And I knew more or less how I'd come to be standing where I was, through an unbroken chain of causality that I could trace back at least a decade or so with relative confidence.

That was the space around the hole. So what was the hole, itself? What was I ignorant of which could explain how I recognized this place, or else why my mind might be so convinced it did?

The obvious answer was my early childhood, where my memories were obviously most fuzzy. My grandfather, being a member of the Order, could have taken me here when I was very young, perhaps prior to some radical redecoration that would make it harder to remember.

...but that would only explain why I recognized the location, not all the other stuff. Plus, I'd been having these strange feelings since well before we'd even got here.

I wrinkled my nose. I guess the rationalist approach doesn't do much good when the problem only exists in your own head.

The only coherent explanation was that my mind was just tying itself in knots with stress. Still, I eventually decided that, instead of just lounging about, I'd go take a stroll about whichever parts of the sanctuary they'd let us into. At best, maybe I'd see something that would stir a memory and clear this up, or failing that just walk it off. So I clambered back to my feet, spent a little while fussing over my braids in the mirror, then stepped back out into the hallway.

As I did, I heard the sound of a few people chatting from around the corner, the opposite way around the square-shaped central hallway that I'd come up from before. I decided to take a quick look on my way downstairs. The sound revealed itself to be coming from a set of double doors, roughly parallel to where the lounge had been down below, and currently left open. I took a peek inside.

What greeted me was a room that, though about the same width as the one I'd just left, was much longer, spanning half the entire side of the building, and with several tall windows overlooking the back end of the sanctuary. It was decorated with more of the elaborate wall-illustrations that I'd seen in the hall, and appeared to be some kind of library/recreation room. Shelves of books lined most of the walls, and there was a ball table over on the left.

In the middle, in front of where I was standing, were some sofas - upon which Ptolema, Seth, and Ophelia were sitting with snacks and drinks - and a proper, omni-purpose logic engine, as opposed to the portable ones everyone carried around. Alongside the logic bridge at the center, there was a three-foot wide column of uneven machinery that almost reached the ceiling, built of elaborate spirals of echoglass and an intricate matrix of millions of minute bronze gears and switches, with a hydraulic power system that anchored it to a tube in the wall. There was also an archive shelf that was even larger still, filled with rows of large metal cubes; echo mazes, which functioned as the machine's memory.

They even had a maze writer off on the left, which a lot of people never bothered with. It was a separate block of bronze that came up to about the level of my thighs, with a complex, incredibly fine cutting instrument at the top, resembling a bed of needles, attached to a mechanical arm.

Behind that was a doorway out to what looked like a large balcony area. That's not important right now, though.

Seth cut off some explanation he was in the midst of when I entered, looking up and grinning. "Hey, Su! You want something to eat?" He pointed his fork, which was currently piercing a slice of cake, in my general direction.

"Uh, no thanks," I said. "I'm trying to save my appetite for when they feed us."

"Makes sense," he said, with a nod.

"See, she's bein' smart," Ptolema said. "You're gonna end up seeming rude when they stick something really high-effort in front of us and manage like, two bites."

"Hey, I don't remember signing up to this thing with the promise that I gotta sample their fine dining," he said. "I came here to show off what I can do to a bunch of bigwig healers. Beyond that, I'm just gonna enjoy myself moment-to-moment."

She shook her head. "You've got the manners of a four year old."

"Hey, I've made it this far," he said mirthfully. "Besides, you ate some stuff, too!"

"Like two biscuits," Ptolema said, with a protesting expression, taking a sip of some coffee. "And I barely had anything for lunch."

He chuckled to himself, then looked back in my direction. "Have you taken a look around this place, yet?"

"Not yet," I said, suppressing the instinct to step closer into the room, since I didn't really want to end up stuck in a long conversation. "I was going to roam around the grounds for a little while."

"It's really nice, actually," he said. "There's a big pantry and kitchen downstairs in case we wanna make our own meals, and practically a whole bathhouse built into the side of the building." He stopped and thought for a moment, apparently considering if he was missing something. "Oh, and an eris pool down at the back on the ground floor, if you want to charge your scepter."

"Mm, thanks for letting me know." I glanced to the side of him.

Ophelia, who was eating a small plate of cheese and crackers, had changed her clothes, now wearing a frilly but modest dark green dress and a shawl. Her hair was damp, too, so she must have washed it. She looked in slightly better spirits.

"Are you feeling better, Ophelia?" I asked, feeling like it was something I ought to say.

"Oh, um... yes," she said, with a meek smile. "Much better, thank you. I'm sorry for earlier."

"You don't need to apologize, or anything like that," I said. "Linos was telling us how some people just have a bad response to it, so it can't really be helped."

She looked a little reassured by this, the smile growing more confident.

"You wanna sit with us for a bit, Su?" Seth asked. "We're listening to some music and talking about the projects we brought for our presentations."

"She just said she's gonna take a walk around, idiot," Ptolema scolded him.

"I heard her!" he said, holding up a hand defensively. "I just meant for a few minutes. What did the lady say-- 8 o'clock for dinner? That's not for ages."

I wasn't really in the mood for group socializing, but I was a bit curious about the music, so I let myself step forward and tap the side of my hand against the logic bridge. Instantly, I began 'hearing' a serene, gently mysterious piano piece, played expertly. It was one of those songs that had a nostalgic quality even if you'd never heard it before; soft, and just the tiniest bit tragic.

"They've got a whole library of music on these things here," Seth said, picking up on what I was doing. "All kinds of genres. Recorded plays and novels, too."

I glanced around the room. "Well, it's probably meant to keep guests from getting bored. Are all the books around fiction?"

"Most of 'em," he said, nodding. "There's a dart board and a bunch of board games in one of the cupboards, too. Not a bad game room, though I wish they had some echo games."

"I guess they probably don't want to come across as immature to guests," I said, then furrowed my brow with a little curiosity. "I , uh... didn't think this'd be the kind of music you'd like, to be honest."

"Heh, well." He rubbed the side of his neck. "I was trying to pick something that'd help Ophelia relax. She was feeling a bit off."

"Oh, I didn't realize..." She made a complicated expression - sort of a mix between anxiety and gratitude. "You didn't have to do that, Seth..."

"Hey, it's not some some huge favor or anything!" he reassured her. "We're just hanging out, y'know?"

"Lilith's probably gonna be super happy when she finds out about this place," Ptolema remarked. "Well, uh. As much as she gets happy about anything, at least."

"I'm kinda hoping she doesn't find out," Seth told her. "Knowing that kid, she'd probably kick the rest of us out and bar the doors."

"That will probably happen," I said flatly.

"All the more reason to enjoy it while we can, then, right?" He took another bite of his cake, and then he seemed to recall something, his expression growing slightly more serious. "Hey, Su. If you are going out, would you mind doing me a favor?"

"Uh... that depends on what it is, I guess?" I said.

"It's nothing too serious, but could you keep an eye out for Ezekiel?"

I frowned. "What for?"

"I haven't seen him since we arrived, and there's something I kinda need to talk to him about. I thought he'd be in his room, but I talked to the servant lady, uh--"

"Sacnicte," Ophelia said.

"Right, Sacnicte," Seth said, looking to her for a moment and nodding before turning back in my direction. "Yeah, I talked to her, and she said she'd never given him his key, so I dunno where he could've gone. I'm not telling you to look for him or to talk to him or whatever, just, uh..."

"I understand," I said, with a nod. "I'll let you know if I see him."

He smiled wide. "That's great. Thanks a lot."

It was a strange request. Not many people in the class got on very well with Ezekiel, Seth among the least of all. I couldn't imagine what they had to talk about. I guess it was possible he thought he was up to something, and was just being diplomatic about it...?

"What d'ya wanna talk to him about, anyway?" Ptolema asked, echoing some of my thoughts more bluntly. She snorted. "That guy's a jerk."

"Eheh, well, it's just something we were planning on settling before everything goes down tomorrow," he replied, a little awkwardly.

She looked at him skeptically. "That's kinda suspicious."

"Seriously, it's nothing," he said soothingly. "Just some guy-stuff."

"Guy stuff?"

"Uh, I'm going to go," I said, stepping back towards the door. I wasn't feeling especially compelled by this particular mystery.

"Sure, sure!" Seth called out after me, seeming happy for my interruption. "Let us know if you see anything interesting, too."

I headed back out the door and down to the hallway, the music quieting and cutting off after a few steps. I passed a room in which I could hear the sound of running water - presumably Mehit having the bath which she'd been talking about earlier - and then returned to the stairwell, heading downwards.

Heading down the hall, I came back to the lounge, and discovered Kamrusepa, Theodoros, and Linos in much the same position as earlier, except now they all appeared to have partially-drained cups of tea in front of them. The latter appeared to be in the middle of another elaborate explanation.

"...actually difficult to even find a publisher, at the time. It's a little different nowadays, but the community in Knoron had a very rigid way of doing things, so they didn't usually put out papers from people who weren't part of one of the larger conclaves or organizations. You know, in fear that they might be blacklisted."

"That's dreadful!" Kamrusepa exclaimed, sipping from her cup. "I knew that the nepotism was rather bad over there, but to think they'd suppress such an obviously revolutionary work!"

"Hah, well, when you're older, you might realize how depressingly common this sort of thing is," he said, with a chuckle. "And in any event, I wouldn't exactly call it revolutionary. At the time, I was actually accused of being derivative--" he caught my eye as I approached. "Oh, Utsu! You're back."

"Sorry," I said. "I'm not interrupting something, am I?"

"Not at all," he said, smiling widely. Having a captive (or, well, not-so-captive) audience in Kamrusepa must've been slowly putting him in higher spirits; some of the fatigue in him had faded, and he almost looked a younger man. "I was just telling miss, ah-- Sorry, what did you say your Rhunbardic name was?"

"Murslisduttar," she said, her pronunciation momentarily shifting to the more harsh, lower-pitched tone of Upper Rhunbardic. "But I'm used to Tuon, or just Kamrusepa or Kam is more than fine."

She probably had trouble even identifying with it, really. From what I could tell, despite being born there, Kamrusepa didn't seem particularly fond of Rhunbardic culture.

"It feels too personal, but maybe I'm being a little silly," he said cheerfully. "Kamrusepa it is, then." He looked back in my direction. "But yes, I was just telling her how I published my first paper on organ transmutation."

"You put it so modestly!" She said. "Even though it was the most prolific piece of medical literature in the entire year. Goodness, arguably of the decade until Bing Wen published his treatise on microanatomy."

"Well, it's an old story at this point, I suppose," he said, looking away with embarrassment. "I'm probably boring Theo to death. He's heard it a thousand times."

"I-It's alright, dad," he said, a slightly nervous smile on his face.

"But yes, Utsu," Linos continued. "What did you need?"

"Well, I was wondering if it was alright for us to roam free around the grounds. I was hoping to get some fresh air..." I hesitated. "Well, not fresh. But you know what I mean."

"Oh, I see!" He nodded a few times. "Yes, of course, that's no trouble at all. You should have access to everywhere but the research tower. Would you like me to give you a rundown of the layout?"

"Sure," I said. "If you wouldn't mind."

"I'd be interested to hear as well," Kam said, idly relaxing her head on the side of her hand as she leaned back in the plush chair she now occupied. "I'm hoping to take a proper look around later. I'm excited to see all the history I'm sure you have here!" She smiled widely, her teeth showing.

"V-Very well," Linos said, perhaps slightly thrown off by the extent of her enthusiasm. "How should I begin... You noticed the structure that we're within right now, I assume? The bioenclosure."

"That's what it's called?" I asked, curious.

"Well, the proper term is 'closed ecological system', but we use 'bioenclosure' for short," he said. "It's a completely closed off environment - has its own air and water cycle, without anything gong in or out."

"Not even waste?" Kamrusepa asked.

"Not even waste," he said, shaking his head. "Some of our stewards take it out manually between meetings. This deep underwater, it's dangerous to have even a single point of entry or potential weakness for the pressure to start doing its magic, after all." He make a small explosive motion with his hands. "But I digress. This is only one of four such structures herein. They're interconnected with tunnels and arranged in a diamond shape."

"I thought I might have spotted some others further in the distance," I said.

He nodded. "Think of this one, which is primarily for guests and prospective members, as the bottom of the diamond. From here, there are tunnels that connect to the western bioenclosure, which primarily serves as a arboretum, and the eastern, which is the proper headquarters of the order. That's where you'll find most anything of note here - the meeting hall where you'll be showing us your work, our archive and infirmary, the personal rooms of our members, the graveyard..."

"Uh, graveyard?" I asked, a little thrown off. "There are people buried down here?"

"No-- Well, not exactly." he said, with a wry smile. "You'll understand when you see it."

"What about at the upper dip of the diamond?" Kamrusepa asked.

"Ah, that would be the research tower, where we have our laboratories and conduct most of our experiements. The center of our practical work." His smile tapered off a little bit. "Unfortunately, I'm not sure how much access you'll have to it. All of the members more or less have discretion over their own chambers, and they're kept locked. I'd be happy to show you mine later, but..."

"Oh, would you?" Kamrusepa asked, her eyes lighting up. "I'd be delighted to see some of your newer research first hand."

"Aheh, well. Perhaps we'll find some time," Linos said. Was he blushing? "But no-- Utsu, but you're at least welcome to peer around the rest. In fact, it might be a good idea for one or two of you to familiarize yourself with at least the main hall before dinner. It can be a little... Overwhelming, for people visiting it for the first time."

Overwhelming, huh...

"Thank you, sir," I said. "I'll be off, then."

"Um, actually," Theodoros said, then looked between me and Linos, seemingly not 100% certain which one of us he ought to be addressing. "Would it be alright if I accompanied you, Su...? I was feeling curious, too. Er-- Sorry, dad. I don't mean to be in a rush to abandon you, or anything."

"Oh, not at all," Linos replied, crossing his arms. "You're my son, Theo, we'll always have more time to talk. Assuming you don't mind, Utsu?"

I minded a little bit. Again, I wasn't feeling particularly social, and having company would make it harder to snoop around wherever I wanted. But there was no point in making a fuss about it.

"Sure," I said, making a small smile. "I mean-- That sounds good."

"Thanks, Utsu," Theo said, getting up from his seat. I detected what seemed like a tiny bit of relief in his tone, which wasn't really surprising. "Bye, dad."

"Take care, Theo," Kam said. "You two try and enjoy yourselves."

"Yes, let me know if you're suitably impressed," Linos said, with good-natured irony. "I'll see you both at dinner, if you're not back before then."

Theo walked over to where I was standing, and we both turned and headed for the double doors together.

"Oh, one thing, Utsu," Linos said, speaking up as we were walking away. "Just so you're aware, Neferuaten mentioned something about hoping to speak with you when you'd arrived, so..."

I blinked, surprised, and turned back in his direction. "She wanted to speak with me specifically?"

"That's right," he said, with a nod. "So she might come over here, or be on the lookout for you."

I wasn't sure quite what to say. I found myself glancing towards the ground without meaning to, my face flushing a bit. "R-Right," I eventually decided on. "Thanks for letting me know. "